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Five Ways You Know You’re a Parent

As Nora hits 11 months of age today (I know, where did the time go?), I’ve been thinking about how much my life has changed in that time. And not just the obvious changes, but the little things that you thought you’d never do or say. Here are five ways I’ve identified as airtight indications you’re a parent.

1. A daily question around your house is, “Has he/she pooped yet today?”

When you’re a parent, it’s all about the process of elimination. Either your baby is tired, hungry, in need of a change, or in pain. And if you eliminate these as options, then it comes down to whether or not your baby has pooped. It’s amazing how big of a difference poop makes in the day of a baby.

2. “Sleeping in” now means 8:00… if you’re lucky… and your spouse is being nice.

It’s bad enough if you’re a working stiff pulling the 9 to 5, and you don’t really remember what sleeping till 10 feels like. Then you add in a baby who doesn’t know how to sleep past 6:45 in the morning. You get upset at the fact that most stores aren’t open at 7, and that sports (or even “GameDay”) don’t start until well into your baby’s first nap. But at least you can talk yourself into admitting you might see EVERY sunrise for the next 10 years.

3. You’ve said more than once, “Baby proofing? More like daddy proofing!”

Okay, maybe this is just me. But those damn cabinet locks are a royal pain in the ass.

4. You’ve used your baby as an excuse to get out of doing something.

It’s no joke that having a baby changes your calendar something fierce. And ultimately, no one will really question you if you say, “Can’t do it, man. I don’t have a babysitter.” And you’ve used that to your advantage when you don’t want to do something. A baby is a great excuse–the best excuse.

5. Thank God for football season. Otherwise you wouldn’t know what day it is.

This is what my wife says because she doesn’t have the 9 to 5 Monday through Friday anymore. But it makes sense. With a baby, every day is pretty much a routine (or so you hope). Therefore, days have no real meaning because there’s no real separation.

… So, just one of the many reasons why I’m happy football season is back. At least now we know when it’s the weekend.

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